But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
