While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
It's never too late to be topless.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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