I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
