First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
