it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
