Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Randomize
