Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
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