sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Randomize
