are you still at the devil's house?
Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Randomize
