I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
