Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
