All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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