either way he was missing a nipple.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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