I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
