I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
