Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Randomize
