Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
I could have mohawked her pubes.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
