Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
