I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Randomize
