Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
