she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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