I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
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