im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
