dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
