I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
