when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
