Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
