Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
