i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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