when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
