It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
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