I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
