Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
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