No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Randomize
