she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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