I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
never play flip cup with pint glasses
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
