i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
