saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
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