Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
