Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
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