and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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