I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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