The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
