just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
