This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
