She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Randomize
