she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I can't put those talents on a resume
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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