I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
The best revenge is premature balding
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
