Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
