Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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